Buying a Computer

SCENE: A SALESMAN is standing side-on to the audience just R of centre-stage. He is wearing cheap black trousers, a purple shirt & scruffy black shoes. Next to & behind him is a plinth, & sitting on that plinth is a sleek modern laptop, which is open; in other words, it is a demonstration model. These props denote 'computer shop'. 

Another man, a CUSTOMER, enters from the L.


SALESMAN: Hello.

CUSTOMER: I want to buy a computer.

S: What kind of computer does sir have in mind ?

C: I want summat that fucking works.

S: A-ha ! [Pause. Count to 4 taking 'ha!' as 1.] I can see sir is a man of discernment. No rubbish for sir !


C grunts non-committally.


S: In that case, permit me to show you [indicating laptop ] the Samsung SuperDuper Universal S. I think it will meet, if not surpass, even the most far-fetched of sir's requirements. Its operating system is of course the very latest, Windows 8, which powers all of sir's essential software, allowing easy & disappointment-free access to all the facilities & sites one would expect: Google, Facebook, Twitter, Youtube, I-player, Spotify, Itunes, Netflix & wireless printing. It has in addition the very latest anti-virus & privacy software. But that is not all.

C: No ?

s: No - not by a long chalk. This machine, this marvellous machine, is the key - for a risible £600 - to an entirely new, & - if I may say - higher, state of existence. It will make your morning coffee, mow the lawn, redecorate the house, walk the dog, & feed the baby. Tired of your wife ? This machine will arrange a divorce & supply you with a new wife, younger, more alluring & - above all - more compliant; a charming companion who will also be your amanuensis & chief disciple. It will make your children more intelligent. It will make YOU more intelligent, & also miraculously more attractive, a sort of cross between Daniel Craig & Professor Brian Cox. Possession of this unprecedented machine will transpose you magically from your present cramped abode to a mansion in Knightsbridge, where you will reign supreme, on the one hand a noted particle physicist & on the other a genius investor in the international money markets. You will be another Plato, another Croesus ! You will be worshipped, you will be adored, you will be fawned on by creatures you are too enlightened to spurn !


Pause.


S: Well - what do you think ?

C: Does it fucking work ?

S: Yeah, it fucking works.

C: I'll tek it !


Blackout.