Pytheas the Greek

Pytheas the Greek enters R, his Acquaintance enters L simultaneously. Pytheas looking disconsolate. They meet in the middle as if they had met by chance in the street. No need for costumes: doing it in modern dress increases the absurdity.


A: Hello, Pytheas, discoverer of the Tin Islands eventually to be known as Britain, how are you on this fine afternoon in the fair & renowned port of Massalia, that will eventually be known as Marseilles, in this excellent year 300 BCE ....


The actor playing Pytheas becomes increasingly impatient


A: ... although I can't possibly know that, having no idea who Jesus will be, any notion of the significance of his birth ....

P (out of character, aside): Have you finished yet ?

A (ditto): Not quite, sorry ... (resuming exposition) & indeed lacking entirely the concept "Christ". How, I say, are you ?

P (evasively): Fine, fine.

A: Are you sure ? You seem a bit down in the mouth.

P: No, no, I'm alright, really.

A: Come on, you can tell me. There's something bothering you. What is it ?

P: Well .... there is something actually.

A: What is it ?

P: Have you heard what they're calling me in the agora, in the market-place ?

A: No - nothing bad, I hope.

P: That's just it. Nothing bad, but nothing good either. It's purely descriptive. My name is Pytheas & I'm a Greek so they're calling me Pytheas the Greek.

A: Well, what's wrong with that ?

P: You must admit, it hardly seems sufficient for a man of my achievements. I mean - I'm a major explorer ! - I discovered the Tin Islands !

A: You did indeed, there's no denying that.

P: It's just not fair. Why can't I have an epithet which accurately reflects my character & achievements ?

A: Like what ?

P: I don't know - Pytheas the Far-Sighted, Pytheas the Almost-Omniscient, Pytheas the Divine ... what I could really do with is one that made me irresistable to the Ladies.

A: How d'you mean ?

P: One that made me overwhelmingly attractive to women, so that I had to fight them off with ... er ... ah ... something suitable for the purpose ...

A: Steady on !

P: ... so that the whole thing became a complete pain & I was totally sated & bored & indifferent & every time a beautiful woman came on to me I could say quite honestly 'Oh no, please, just leave me alone, all I want's a cup of tea & a biscuit.'


Pause.


A: That's what's really bothering you, isn't it ?

P: Yes.

A: And not the name thing at all ?

P: Yes. I'm just sick of being Pytheas the Disregarded.

A: How about Pytheas the Dirty Fucker ?

P: Accurate - but hardly attractive !


Abrupt blackout.