Meet the Next Pope !

MAN walks on stage to C. Addresses audience.


MAN: Oh good, I'm glad you're here because I need to tell someone & you'll be the first people to know. I've just had some amazing news. Believe it or not - I'm going to be Pope !


Pause.


Yeah, you heard me right. It's all arranged - it's all stitched up. When Benedict pops off, that's it - I'll be in !

I've been giving some thought to my title as you can imagine, & the conclusion of my deliberations is 'Leo XIV'. Got a ring to it, don't you think ? Memorable. It reminds me of Louis XIV, a good precedent - 'the Sun Pope' !

It's a bit more complicated than that actually because I'm not just going to be the next Pope, I'm going to be the next six Popes, Leos XIV to XVIIII, it's all set up so my avatars can be Pope in turn. This is partly out of sheer greed for power, but also to ensure my reforms are enacted & secured.

Anyway, as soon as I'm installed, then THE FUN BEGINS. It's going to be great being Infallible I can tell you - useful doctrine that. I've got an outline programme for my decrees, my Bulls, already sketched out. They are really going to mess with the heads of the faithful. Bull no.1 - it's time to get on with it, chaps - from now on it's official - GOD DOES NOT EXIST ... but you've got to go on paying me anyway ! Dogma, schmogma. I'M THE POPE ! I DECIDE WHAT IS & IS NOT DOGMA !

Secondly, I'm going to canonise Copernicus, Galileo, Kepler, Voltaire & Darwin - with all the trimmings - Saints' Days, pilgrimages, processions - the works.

Thirdly I'm going to own up where most of our ritual, iconography & ceremonial dress comes from anyway & re-institute the Gods of Egypt to their rightful place in our worship. Oh yes - Osiris, Isis, Horus - all back. What do you think we've been doing all these years wondering about in fish-hats waving croziers ?
Ever seen an Egyptian frieze ? Don't answer that ! While I'm at it, we're going to return to the worship of natural phenomena as well - things we can see, things that are there: the Sun, the Moon, the Stars, the Earth, the Sky, the Sea. St. Peter's will of course be preserved as a museum, but will also double as a centre for astronomic, astrological & alchemical research. Standing stones, aligned with the Winter & Summer solstices, the phases of the Moon, & other celestial phenomena yet to be determined, will be introduced into the precincts.

Fourth on the agenda is I am going to issue an apology for all the magnificent pagan temples destroyed by our fanatical followers in the 4th century, & provide funds for their restoration where possible. Also an apology & our sincere remorse for all the people & groups we've persecuted over the years. I won't list them - it's pretty much everybody.

Fifth, I'm going to free Jesus of the burden of being responsible for Christianity. It's no good blaming him for it. If ever a movement was foisted retrospectively on its supposed founder, Christianity is it. Often happens. No big deal. Simple misunderstanding - a ... er ... misapprehension, you might say. Easily done.

Well, thanks for listening. I've got to be off now - I've got to get measured for my robes - the damn things take an age to make & cost a bloody fortune. Still I suppose it's worth it. I look dynamite in a tiara !

One final thought before I go - a genuine sentiment, not a joke - I can't wait to get my hands on the Vatican Library !


Blackout.