Christmas Special: A TV Listing For 'Doctor Zhivago'

 

The BBC showed Doctor Zhivago this afternoon. The plot summary for it made me laugh out loud. It was the following, nothing more:

A doctor (Omar Sharif) falls in love with the mistress of a political opportunist.

It's not wrong: it is an accurate summary of the plot as far as it goes; but the bald, blunt reductiveness is absurd compared to the famous epic drama it is describing. It's like calling St. Peter's Basilica "a church in Rome" or Shakespeare "a well-known writer from the Midlands."

It got me thinking about doing the same - absurd summaries - to other classics. Here are some I thought of:

Anna Karenina

A married Russian noblewoman embarks on an affair with an army officer.

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The Song of the Shades of the Dead Booksellers

Scene: A second-hand bookshop. The sides & back of the stage are lined with full bookcases, except for the stage L entrance which is the door to the street. There is a staircase in the back wall L. In the centre of the stage is a table, behind which the owner, CHRIS, is sitting, pricing books. The table is surrounded R, & in front if so desired, by piles of books. Browsing at the bookcases R is MATT.

The shop door opens, we hear the ring of its bell & a MAN walks in.


CHRIS: Hello.

MAN: Hello.

CHRIS: Are you looking for anything in particular ?

MAN: Ah . . . uh . . . I am actually. . . have you got any books on local history ?

CHRIS (pointing to the last bookcase on the wall L): Yes, we do, they're just there for you.

MAN: Thank you.


The MAN goes to browse the bookcase indicated. He pulls out various books one after another & examines them. Meanwhile CHRIS carries on pricing his books, MATT carries on browsing. Eventually the MAN assembles quite a large pile of books & takes them to the desk to pay, standing L of the desk.


MAN (handing the pile over ): There we are . . . is there a discount for bulk ?


CHRIS & MATT both burst out in helpless & prolonged laughter. The MAN is increasingly disconcerted.


CHRIS (collecting himself ): Sorry, that's terribly rude of me. (He collapses laughing again. Collects himself again. Wiping his eyes.) Oh, Lord ! Sorry ! I really am most terribly sorry.

MAN: Well, is there a discount or isn't there ?

ALEX (looking at him steadily): There is an answer to that.


Pause.


MAN (angrily): Well, what is it ?


CHRIS does not reply directly but turns L & shouts "LADS !!!" MATT meanwhile pulls out a guitar. From the staircase, a group of cobweb-covered men & women run down. They are dressed in grey & have grey faces & grey hair. Despite their sombre appearance they are very jolly. They are musicians, here to sing & play a song. 

The arrangement of the music can be as elaborate or otherwise as resources permit. The optimum is a full dixieland jazz band: piano, banjo, trombone, trumpet & clarinet. However it could be done with piano & trumpet, solo piano, solo guitar or banjo. Or whatever musicians are available.


MAN (astonished ): Who are they ?

CHRIS: They ? They are the chorus of the Shades of the Dead Booksellers of course.


Someone strums an opening chord - an A.


MATT: And they want to sing you a song !

CHRIS: And teach you a lesson !

MATT: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 . . .


MATT, CHRIS & THE SHADES now sing & play There Ain't No Discount for Bulk, which is a jazz song in the style of Bessie Smith.


    A                                 E                               A         A7
1. There ain't no - there ain't no discount for bulk

           D                                                       A
There ain't no - there ain't no discount for bulk

 A                                              A7
We don't want you to sulk - or turn into the Hulk

                 D                                                 B7
But there really ain't, there really ain't no discount for bulk !

           A                      E                               A
There ain't no - there ain't no discount for bulk


[Here the chord pattern may be repeated as many times as desired to enable whoever wants to / can to take a solo.]


      A                                 E                               A        A7
2.  There ain't no - there ain't no discount for bulk

           D                                                       A
There ain't no - there ain't no discount for bulk

A                                                            A7
We don't mean to make you sore - but it's a frightful bore

           D                                                B7
We've heard it, oh we've heard it all a million times before !

           A                      E                               A
There ain't no - there ain't no discount for bulk.



The songs ends with a flourish. Everyone who has been singing cheers. 

Blackout.

In Fossgate Books

One afternoon I was in a second-hand bookshop called Fossgate Books which is owned and run by my friend Alex. We were chatting about this and that. A young couple came in and disappeared off to browse. Later they reappeared. The man had two books to buy. His partner said in mock reproof, "You don't need those books." To which he simply replied, "You never need any books," and bought them. They left. It made both Alex and I think about the justice of what they'd each said. I remarked that by definition almost anyone who is in a bookshop has no business being there, since they probably already have more books than they know what to do with.

It makes me think now - can you put a limit to the book-lover's desire for books ? There is always some rationalisation, more or less satisfactory, for buying the next book or books. Some of them are justified (e.g. buying a guide book to the city you are going to visit) or almost so, some merely plausible, some impudent, some scarcely even believed by the book buyer themselves. "I want this because it is by X, or about Y , or fits with Z, which I am interested in." Prudence could well reply, "You seem to have a remarkably wide range of interests." The book buyer buys anyway. He or she is satisfying their obsession.

Some stray favourite stories now about book buyers & their libraries.

When Darwin, who as we know was a very methodical man, was thinking about getting married, he drew up a list, for & against, so that he could consider his options carefully. In the against column he wrote, "Less money for books."

Michael Foot's father, Isaac Foot, was supposed to have the largest library in private hands in England at that time. When I heard this fact, my instant reaction was "I want a bigger one." Isaac Foot also taught himself French at one point so that, as he said, he could read Montaigne in the original . This is one of the best reasons I have ever heard for anyone doing anything.

When Stanley Kubrick was alive, he once saw a television programme by the journalist Jon Ronson which he admired, so he invited Ronson to come & see him at his home, Childwickbury Manor in Hertfordshire. Ronson recalls that there was one room filled from floor to cieling with books about Napoleon. (Kubrick long planned a film about Napoleon which was ultimately never made. He had many discussions about it with Ian Holm, who he wanted to play the Emperor.) The existence of this room & its contents makes perfect sense to me, & if I could have such a thing I surely would.

One mad book collecting idea I have is this (many of my friends will have heard this one): I would like to get a copy of every single book of Christian theology ever written, then build a city of libraries to house them. When they were all assembled, & the city was complete, I would stand in the middle of it, stretch my arms out to indicate the millions of books all around and cry, "IT'S ALL NONSENSE !" Of course one could do this with the books generated by any monotheistic religion. But there has to be a limit somewhere.