Scene: A second-hand bookshop. The sides & back of the stage are lined with full bookcases, except for the stage L entrance which is the door to the street. There is a staircase in the back wall L. In the centre of the stage is a table, behind which the owner, CHRIS, is sitting, pricing books. The table is surrounded R, & in front if so desired, by piles of books. Browsing at the bookcases R is MATT.
The shop door opens, we hear the ring of its bell & a MAN walks in.
CHRIS: Hello.
MAN: Hello.
CHRIS: Are you looking for anything in particular ?
MAN: Ah . . . uh . . . I am actually. . . have you got any books on local history ?
CHRIS (pointing to the last bookcase on the wall L): Yes, we do, they're just there for you.
MAN: Thank you.
The MAN goes to browse the bookcase indicated. He pulls out various books one after another & examines them. Meanwhile CHRIS carries on pricing his books, MATT carries on browsing. Eventually the MAN assembles quite a large pile of books & takes them to the desk to pay, standing L of the desk.
MAN (handing the pile over ): There we are . . . is there a discount for bulk ?
CHRIS & MATT both burst out in helpless & prolonged laughter. The MAN is increasingly disconcerted.
CHRIS (collecting himself ): Sorry, that's terribly rude of me. (He collapses laughing again. Collects himself again. Wiping his eyes.) Oh, Lord ! Sorry ! I really am most terribly sorry.
MAN: Well, is there a discount or isn't there ?
ALEX (looking at him steadily): There is an answer to that.
Pause.
MAN (angrily): Well, what is it ?
CHRIS does not reply directly but turns L & shouts "LADS !!!" MATT meanwhile pulls out a guitar. From the staircase, a group of cobweb-covered men & women run down. They are dressed in grey & have grey faces & grey hair. Despite their sombre appearance they are very jolly. They are musicians, here to sing & play a song.
The arrangement of the music can be as elaborate or otherwise as resources permit. The optimum is a full dixieland jazz band: piano, banjo, trombone, trumpet & clarinet. However it could be done with piano & trumpet, solo piano, solo guitar or banjo. Or whatever musicians are available.
MAN (astonished ): Who are they ?
CHRIS: They ? They are the chorus of the Shades of the Dead Booksellers of course.
Someone strums an opening chord - an A.
MATT: And they want to sing you a song !
CHRIS: And teach you a lesson !
MATT: 1 - 2 - 3 - 4 . . .
MATT, CHRIS & THE SHADES now sing & play There Ain't No Discount for Bulk, which is a jazz song in the style of Bessie Smith.
A E A A7
1. There ain't no - there ain't no discount for bulk
D A
There ain't no - there ain't no discount for bulk
A A7
We don't want you to sulk - or turn into the Hulk
D B7
But there really ain't, there really ain't no discount for bulk !
A E A
There ain't no - there ain't no discount for bulk
[Here the chord pattern may be repeated as many times as desired to enable whoever wants to / can to take a solo.]
A E A A7
2. There ain't no - there ain't no discount for bulk
D A
There ain't no - there ain't no discount for bulk
A A7
We don't mean to make you sore - but it's a frightful bore
D B7
We've heard it, oh we've heard it all a million times before !
A E A
There ain't no - there ain't no discount for bulk.
The songs ends with a flourish. Everyone who has been singing cheers.
Blackout.
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