Meet the Next Pope !

MAN walks on stage to C. Addresses audience.


MAN: Oh good, I'm glad you're here because I need to tell someone & you'll be the first people to know. I've just had some amazing news. Believe it or not - I'm going to be Pope !


Pause.


Yeah, you heard me right. It's all arranged - it's all stitched up. When Benedict pops off, that's it - I'll be in !

I've been giving some thought to my title as you can imagine, & the conclusion of my deliberations is 'Leo XIV'. Got a ring to it, don't you think ? Memorable. It reminds me of Louis XIV, a good precedent - 'the Sun Pope' !

It's a bit more complicated than that actually because I'm not just going to be the next Pope, I'm going to be the next six Popes, Leos XIV to XVIIII, it's all set up so my avatars can be Pope in turn. This is partly out of sheer greed for power, but also to ensure my reforms are enacted & secured.

Anyway, as soon as I'm installed, then THE FUN BEGINS. It's going to be great being Infallible I can tell you - useful doctrine that. I've got an outline programme for my decrees, my Bulls, already sketched out. They are really going to mess with the heads of the faithful. Bull no.1 - it's time to get on with it, chaps - from now on it's official - GOD DOES NOT EXIST ... but you've got to go on paying me anyway ! Dogma, schmogma. I'M THE POPE ! I DECIDE WHAT IS & IS NOT DOGMA !

Secondly, I'm going to canonise Copernicus, Galileo, Kepler, Voltaire & Darwin - with all the trimmings - Saints' Days, pilgrimages, processions - the works.

Thirdly I'm going to own up where most of our ritual, iconography & ceremonial dress comes from anyway & re-institute the Gods of Egypt to their rightful place in our worship. Oh yes - Osiris, Isis, Horus - all back. What do you think we've been doing all these years wondering about in fish-hats waving croziers ?
Ever seen an Egyptian frieze ? Don't answer that ! While I'm at it, we're going to return to the worship of natural phenomena as well - things we can see, things that are there: the Sun, the Moon, the Stars, the Earth, the Sky, the Sea. St. Peter's will of course be preserved as a museum, but will also double as a centre for astronomic, astrological & alchemical research. Standing stones, aligned with the Winter & Summer solstices, the phases of the Moon, & other celestial phenomena yet to be determined, will be introduced into the precincts.

Fourth on the agenda is I am going to issue an apology for all the magnificent pagan temples destroyed by our fanatical followers in the 4th century, & provide funds for their restoration where possible. Also an apology & our sincere remorse for all the people & groups we've persecuted over the years. I won't list them - it's pretty much everybody.

Fifth, I'm going to free Jesus of the burden of being responsible for Christianity. It's no good blaming him for it. If ever a movement was foisted retrospectively on its supposed founder, Christianity is it. Often happens. No big deal. Simple misunderstanding - a ... er ... misapprehension, you might say. Easily done.

Well, thanks for listening. I've got to be off now - I've got to get measured for my robes - the damn things take an age to make & cost a bloody fortune. Still I suppose it's worth it. I look dynamite in a tiara !

One final thought before I go - a genuine sentiment, not a joke - I can't wait to get my hands on the Vatican Library !


Blackout.

A Cup of Sugar

A perfectly nice, ordinary fellow has just moved in to a posh terrace house &, having run out of sugar, goes to knock on the door of his Neighbour to borrow some. Unfortunately he does not realise that his Neighbour is suffering from the delusion that he is a sort of 19th century Dr. Johnson.

PNOF enters R carrying an empty cup. He walks to C & knocks on an imaginary door. Neighbour enters L & goes to open the door. He is comically stern & impressive.


PNOF: Oh, hello, you don't know me but I've just moved in next door & I've run out of sugar & I was wondering - can I borrow some ? (Gestures hopefully with empty cup.)

N: You can, you can.

PNOF: Oh, good.


Pause. Neither moves.


PNOF: Well, can I come in ?

N: Oh certainly, certainly. You can borrow some sugar, you can come in, you are evidently perfectly capable of doing either of these things. But that is not the question. The question is - may you ?

PNOF (nervously friendly): Oh, yes, I see - well, may I ?

N: May you ? may you ?

PNOF: If it's not too much trouble.

N: Not too much trouble ?

PNOF: Yes.


They look at each other for a few moments. N looks penetratingly at PNOF, meanwhile gathering himself.


N: You, sir, are an importunate blackguardly wretch.

PNOF: What ?

N: A low , mean, sneaking fellow. Be off, or I'll summon the constable.

PNOF: I'm sorry ... I don't quite understand you ... I'd just like to borrow some sugar (gestures with cup) if I can, I mean, if I may ....

N: Not understand me, sir ? Not understand me ? You appear at least to speak English, so I take it I am not unfounded in the assumption you can understand it ? I am speaking perfectly good English, sir: I flatter myself I have some proficiency in that Art.

PNOF: Oh well, never mind ... it really doesn't matter ... sorry to have disturbed you ... I'll just be getting along ...


N seizes him by the collar.


N: What d'ye say, sir ? My interlocutor proposes to take flight ?

PNOF: Gerroff, gerroff !

N (shaking him): Hey, sir, hey ?


Suddenly, the penny drops for PNOF.


PNOF: Unhand me, sir !

N (taken aback, the mask slips): What ?

PNOF: Unhand me, damn you ! I'll not be handled by any man or ... or ... by George, he'll know about it !

N (letting him go): My dear fellow ! Pray excuse me ! I mistook you entirely !

PNOF (brushing himself off): That's alright, no harm done ... these things happen ...


Pause. They look at each other for a few seconds again.


PNOF: Can I borrow some sugar then ?

N (in an entirely ordinary voice): Er, no, sorry, I haven't got any actually.


Blackout.

Pytheas the Greek

Pytheas the Greek enters R, his Acquaintance enters L simultaneously. Pytheas looking disconsolate. They meet in the middle as if they had met by chance in the street. No need for costumes: doing it in modern dress increases the absurdity.


A: Hello, Pytheas, discoverer of the Tin Islands eventually to be known as Britain, how are you on this fine afternoon in the fair & renowned port of Massalia, that will eventually be known as Marseilles, in this excellent year 300 BCE ....


The actor playing Pytheas becomes increasingly impatient


A: ... although I can't possibly know that, having no idea who Jesus will be, any notion of the significance of his birth ....

P (out of character, aside): Have you finished yet ?

A (ditto): Not quite, sorry ... (resuming exposition) & indeed lacking entirely the concept "Christ". How, I say, are you ?

P (evasively): Fine, fine.

A: Are you sure ? You seem a bit down in the mouth.

P: No, no, I'm alright, really.

A: Come on, you can tell me. There's something bothering you. What is it ?

P: Well .... there is something actually.

A: What is it ?

P: Have you heard what they're calling me in the agora, in the market-place ?

A: No - nothing bad, I hope.

P: That's just it. Nothing bad, but nothing good either. It's purely descriptive. My name is Pytheas & I'm a Greek so they're calling me Pytheas the Greek.

A: Well, what's wrong with that ?

P: You must admit, it hardly seems sufficient for a man of my achievements. I mean - I'm a major explorer ! - I discovered the Tin Islands !

A: You did indeed, there's no denying that.

P: It's just not fair. Why can't I have an epithet which accurately reflects my character & achievements ?

A: Like what ?

P: I don't know - Pytheas the Far-Sighted, Pytheas the Almost-Omniscient, Pytheas the Divine ... what I could really do with is one that made me irresistable to the Ladies.

A: How d'you mean ?

P: One that made me overwhelmingly attractive to women, so that I had to fight them off with ... er ... ah ... something suitable for the purpose ...

A: Steady on !

P: ... so that the whole thing became a complete pain & I was totally sated & bored & indifferent & every time a beautiful woman came on to me I could say quite honestly 'Oh no, please, just leave me alone, all I want's a cup of tea & a biscuit.'


Pause.


A: That's what's really bothering you, isn't it ?

P: Yes.

A: And not the name thing at all ?

P: Yes. I'm just sick of being Pytheas the Disregarded.

A: How about Pytheas the Dirty Fucker ?

P: Accurate - but hardly attractive !


Abrupt blackout.

Nick Clegg & 'The Birthday Party'

The Birthday Party by Harold Pinter is, in my opinion at least, a symbolic drama. The place & time it is situated in are apparently concrete - its setting is a parody of the kitchen sink dramas which were so fashionable when it was written - but still seem remarkably contemporary as a description of English life. The exchange between Meg & Petey at the opening of Act 1 has been had innumerable times I would suggest in real English life in the 50 years or so since it was written, though in the less crafted form actual conversation takes. Although what people do during the play, what happens in front of our eyes, is clear, the characters' motives & reasons for why they are doing what they are doing are left deliberately obscure. One important effect of this is that what happens applies & alludes to a much larger range of potential situations than if it was more specific. This is what I mean by saying it is a symbolic drama.


One situation The Birthday Party fits surprisingly well is Nick Clegg's recent difficulties over House of Lords reform. Nick Clegg works beautifully as Stanley Webber. I see Steve Richards & Andrew Rawnsley as Goldberg & McCann respectively, or David Cameron & George Osborne.


Consider the following exchange between Goldberg & Stanley at the start of the interrogation scene in Act 2:



GOLDBERG. Clegg, what were you doing yesterday ?

NICK. Yesterday ?

GOLDBERG. And the day before. What did you do the day before that ?

NICK. What do you mean ?

GOLDBERG. Why are you wasting everybody's time, Clegg ? Why are you getting in everybody's way ?

NICK. Me ? What are you -

GOLDBERG. I'm telling you, Clegg. You're a washout. Why are you getting on everybody's wick ?



That last question is surely the operative one for the Tories in relation to (not 'in respect of' !) Nick Clegg at the moment, & perhaps for the whole of the electorate as well, or large parts of it.


Consider also Stanley's long speech to Meg in Act 1 about the concert he once played. A few alterations, & it fits Nick Clegg to a T:



NICK. Politics ? I've done politics all over the world. All over the country. (Pause.) I once formed a Coalition.

MEG: A Coalition ?

NICK (reflectively). Yes. It was a good one, too. They were all there that night. Every single one of them. It was a great success. Yes. A Coalition. At Westminster.

MEG. What did you wear ?

NICK (to himself ). I had unique negotiating powers. Absolutely unique. They came up to me. They came up to me & said they were grateful. Champagne we had that night, the lot. (Pause.) Yes. Westminster. Then after that, you know what they did ? They carved me up. Carved me up. It was all arranged, it was all worked out. Lords reform. I introduced proposals for Lords reform. Good ones too. But the Tories voted them down. A fast one. They pulled a fast one. I'd like to know who was responsible for that. (Bitterly.) All right, Jack, I can take a tip. They want me to crawl down on my bended knees. Well I can take a tip ... any day of the week.